june 2023

in which i feel pressed and flat like pancake

In contrast to May, I have not had a really lovely June – it’s been fine, don’t get me wrong. But boy, am I glad I went so hard on living a good life in May. I have been feeding on it since.

me calling for help, because june has been less fun than may

I cannot believe we are halfway through the year already. This feels a lot like a personal attack on me, a deliberate attempt by Time to knock me off-kilter and make me anxious, and I have to say it’s working. I am not where I wanted or hoped to be at this point in the year in most ways. I think I’m maybe eight to ten weeks behind where I was aiming for, which isn’t mortal (yet) – I can pull it back if I really keep my head down.

It is annoying, though, because I feel like it’s not for lack of trying. I’m doing the work, but it’s currently like wading through treacle, and I have SO MUCH other stuff I have to do and even some things that I want to do (don’t we all) that I often don’t have the space, room or time to get all my ducks in a row properly – something has to give. I would love to take a real break and go on a proper long retreat and spend six weeks being immersive and creative, and experimental with my work. I would love to know what I could do if I had the space, room and time to really get into it. Ask anyone for advice in publishing, and they’ll tell you, “you gotta write from the heart, work on the project you love”, and that’s solid and true – you do.

But what’s talked about less often is the amount of time that takes and, unfortunately, how much cash and goodwill you need to have banked to make it a reality. To fully give yourself over to a project and let yourself go all-the-way into it, to be able to do all the research and reading and taking photos and listening to songs and walking in woods that will feed it until it becomes the thing you dream it could be. To do that requires time, and the only way to get hold of that sweet, sweet time is by being incredibly financially stable (especially in the current national climate) – enough that you can delegate day-to-day admin to someone else, enough that you can shut yourself off for a while and get picky about what you do spend your time on.

I am not there yet.

Projects I’m working on: frantically plugging away at three separate deadlines, and if the opening to this post didn’t tell you how I feel that’s going, I have some questions about your reading comprehension. But I simply don’t have time to ask them right now! Let’s come back to this in September.

Moving on.

In News, probably the biggest thing is that HER DARK WINGS has been shortlisted for the YA Book Prize! It’s my third time on the shortlist, and it’s always such an honour because it represents the best YA books published by UK/Ireland resident authors – it’s the only major prize that focuses solely on UK/Ireland-based authors and the only one that exclusively celebrates and champions YA books. So I’m over the moon to be shortlisted and really looking forward to the ceremony in August. If you’d like to read it before then, here’s a handy link to Waterstones.

In Personal News, I went to see Oklahoma! again, and then last weekend, I saw Top Gun: Maverick at the Luna Cinema with lovely pals, and then the following day I went to the Asteroid City exhibition with my best friend, and afterwards we saw the film and had dinner in a lovely French restaurant. Both the exhibition and the film were really very affirming for me in terms of the level of care and detail I want to achieve in my work, but I plan to write about this more deeply as a Sunday roundup (Christ knows when), so this is all you’re getting in this post. Here are some cute photos, though!

This is the third 180 Studios Wes Anderson Exhibition I've been to and I loved it

In Events, I will now be in Edinburgh at the Festival for the YA Book Prize 2023 ceremony (train strikes pending, I have missed my last two Edinburgh in-person events because corporations value shareholder profits over staff wages and wellbeing. Join a union, nationalise the railways)! If you’re around, tickets for that can be bought here.

Due to a lack of brain space, I have not been Reading, aside from a terrifying non-fiction book called ULTRA-PROCESSED PEOPLE by Chris van Tulleken, which taught me far too much about the food industry and was ultimately really eye-opening. If you are someone living with disordered eating, maybe steer clear as you might find it triggering. If you’re not, and you’re interested in food and how it’s made, I think it’s worth a read. I also wrote a massive paid-subscriber-only post about it because it affected me so much.

In TV, I’m still watching and loving Succession, and I feel very strongly I could save Kendall Roy from his family, but mostly from himself. I am not thinking clearly about this man at all. I am moving on to season two of The Bear when I’m done with KenRoy.

In Food, I am currently in a place where I am doing a lot of batch cooking – risottos that will last for three days, cauliflower cheese I can use as a side for three nights - because I don’t have someone to pick up the slack for me in the kitchen and I don’t have the bandwidth right now for fun or experimental cooking. So hearty food I can make a bunch of and reheat is where we’re at.

BUT I am very happy to delve briefly into a new micro-passion I have, and that is making my own salad dressings, which is also going to cover the Magic part of this month’s newsletter. A little cheat-y, but I already told you I’m up against it here, so go easy on me.

What I am enjoying about making vinaigrettes is that by adding a third thing, I can make two other things that do not naturally go together come together and work together, elevating it all into something else. That’s a kind of magic, and I think I can learn from this – I need to find the third thing that makes my wants and my needs work in harmony together. It might be Dijon mustard. It might be something else. It’s a work in progress.

living that sweet vinaigrette life

So, while I do work on it, here are my two favourite recipes so far. Both make enough for four portions, so small batch. Artisanal, let’s say:

Raspberry Vinaigrette:

• 3 tbsp of the best quality extra virgin olive oil you can afford

• 1 tbsp raspberry red wine vinegar

• 1 tbsp of the best Dijon mustard you can afford.

• Stick it all in a jar and shake until mixed. Add just over a tablespoon to your salad and enjoy

Gingerbread Mustard Vinaigrette:

• 3 tbsp of the best quality extra virgin olive oil you can afford

• 1 tbsp freshly squeezed lemon juice

• 1 tbsp of Gingerbread Mustard (this is very specific. I got it in a café/epicerie in London)

• Stick it all in a jar and shake until mixed. Add just over a tablespoon to your salad, and enjoy.

The basic ratio is 3:1:1 oil, acid, and emulsifying agent, and obviously, you can double or triple all of these to make more if you like. I’m going to experiment with different flavours; I have a French mandarin olive oil I haven’t tried out yet! I’m thinking French mandarin olive oil, with orange juice and apple cider vinegar, and maybe a little Dijon mustard? I’ll let you know how it goes.

It grows because you tend it. I need to cleave to this tenet. It will grow because I tend it. So I have to go tend it.

Until next time  x